Regret and Forgive

Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets;
then can come the best of benedictions -
"If I had my life to live over again, I'd do it all the same

The anger that I felt became overwhelming. I wanted to blame someone for this happening to her, I needed to blame someone really.

All I could do was blame myself. She was my daughter and I was supposed to protect her and to care for her. I failed my child and now she is paying the price. She might even die because I did not do my job as her mother.

I had to do something because I could not live with this rage inside of me. How could I help Sadie deal with what she had been through if I could not control my emotions.

All this anger was fueled by regret more then anything. I think when you lose someone close to you it is normal for you to think of all the things you missed out on or didn't do rather then all of the amazing moments you shared. I felt that way when I looked at Sadie, I had so many regrets. My mind was flooded with all of the things I should have done with her, all the things I could have said to her. I should have created a better life for her. We should have LIVED more!

All the things we didn't do ran through my head over and over. The things I wasn't able to do with her, the things I should have done. But now it was too late. We could never do all those activities, I had missed my chance to give her eveything she deserved.

I may be wrong but perhaps regret is just as damaging to you as anger is. If you are miserable does it really make a difference if it is caused by anger or regret? No, I don't think it makes any difference your your body, your mind or your soul. It is toxic to you regardless of the cause.

I would not be able to help Sadie get through all of this trauma if I was stuck in this mire of regret. I had to find a way to move past this rut that I was in. I had to find a way to forgive myself. If I could do nothing else for Sadie I had to figure out a way accept and embrace our situation. This was now our life and we would no longer live with regrets.