Denial..........

On February 24, 2006 Sadie had been in the hospital for 7 days. She was very weak but still in good spirits. The doctor had just cleared her to start eating solid foods again and she seemed to be responding to the antibiotics finally.

She had been drifting in and out of sleep most of the day but was fully aware of what was going on around her. Or so we thought.......later in the evening Sadie started looking around, smiling and reaching out with her hands. I asked her who she was looking at and she responded " The grandma, can't you see her mommy? She is standing in the hall with the other man." At that point I asked her if she knew where she was and she said that she did. She knew who I was and who she was. I informed the nurse that she was "seeing" things and the nurse responded that it must be the "meds".

When I asked what they wanted she just smiled and said "Mom, they want me to take their hand and go with them." I held her for several hours and told her that I needed her here and wasn't ready to let her go. She drifted off to sleep and I finally laid down for a couple hours of sleep.

Saturday, February 25, 2006 was one of the worst days of my life. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning Sadie had her final stroke. Her ability to talk or move had vanished and now the only thing she could do was look around, my daughter was trapped inside her own body.

I really cannot tell you what else happened that day. Lots of tests, tons of doctors, family and friends waiting for some glimmer of hope. It was like I was standing still and the world was still moving at full tilt around me.

The doctor on rotation was a tiny, fresh faced woman that looked like she should be picking out a prom dress not trying to save my daughter's life. For the rest of my life I will never forget the words that came out of her mouth that day. She pulled me out of Sadie's room and said "You do realize how sick your daughter is don't you? You need to start to prepare for the worst, but pray and hope for the best."

WAIT?!!! WHAT?!!! Is this woman telling me that my child is going to die?? No No No No No No No!!! All I can do is pray and hope?? You are kidding me, right?
Enter denial.................
Denial is a wonderful thing. I would not, could not let myself believe for one moment that I wasn't going to bring Sadie home.

They were wrong, they just had to be! God could not be that cruel. How could my baby be dying right there in front of my eyes? No she wasn't dying, she was not dying not my beautiful, strong willed daughter. She would survive, she was not done here.........not yet!